I used to think it was impossible to make good money while in school. Now that I know the secret to making bank as a full-time student ($750k a year to be precise), I want to spill the beans on my genius method. Spoiler alert: it turns out, making money is pretty easy when you know how to do it.
You probably assume I have some killer high-paying job to be raking in so much. Well, no, I don’t. People of such high prowess like myself don’t have time for such whimsical follies like that of a career.
It’s all raw skill and pure talent.
(I’m not sure why, but people often call me a narcissist. I usually say “thank you” because it sounds like a nice word to be called. But truthfully, I have no idea what it means. I’m above dictionaries.)
Here’s how I achieved financial freedom (and how you can too):
I stopped going to class
Being a full-time student requires so much unneeded effort. After sleeping through lectures too many to count and slaving away on assignment after assignment with zero pay whatsoever, I figured it wasn’t worth my time.
So I did the math one day in a calculus lecture — I eventually gave up on the math because I never paid attention in math class. To be fair, I asked my super-smart friend and even he couldn’t work it out. Go figure.
Anyway, I was already pretty sold on my decision. Plus, I was running out of bribe money (which I use to pay other people to do my classwork) and some time away would give me time to convince my granddad to print me more. He’s a highly respected govie, by the way.
The day I decided to stop going to class, something unexpected happened. When I got up from my seat to leave the lecture hall, my professor, who I informed about my leave, gave me a piece of paper and a handwritten note.
“Dear Valued Student,” it began, “I am very troubled and distraught by your decision to take such a preemptive parting from my class. Please take this token of appreciation. I am sad because I always enjoyed reading your essays. I hope you reconsider, as there will be many more fun poker nights to come.”
I guess now is where I admit that my professors and I play poker and drink hard vodka on the weekends. Secret’s out fellas, sorry.
The piece of paper turned out to be a cheque for $100k. It was certainly generous of my economics professor to donate what he could (the little that he did) for such a noble cause (me).
Though I don’t like him as much as my physics professor. She took a mortgage out of her house for $200k. She’s obviously the better friend. She gave me more money so she must care more. I don’t know why any of them bothered though, I thought I made my decision pretty clear. But I’ll take it.
In total, I made $750k from all my professors combined.
And just like that, I was rich.
Many successful entrepreneurs and billionaires attribute their success to things like “hard work”, “dedication,” and a bunch of other long words that aren’t in my vocabulary. They also say success is a winding journey. Which I find silly, because it seems more like a straight line and two dots. That’s been my experience at least. Maybe I’m just better than them.
Disclaimer: This article is satire and only meant to make you smile and laugh, not be taken seriously. Also, please stay in school. Professors unfortunately do not bestow even their favorite students with unparalleled riches. Though I can’t say I wish it weren’t fiction. And while you’re here, enjoy this very satisfying video of money raining from the sky.