💖 Several Short Ideas on Relationships and Friendships

1. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No”

When it comes to relationships, it should be a “fuck yes or no” decision—this applies to dating/romance and friendships. The idea is that you should be with people who pull you in like a massive “fuck yes” magnet, people who you feel a genuine connection to, people who want YOU. Because you deserve people who want you. Don’t settle for anyone less.

This rather blunt law comes from a blog post by Mark Manson—it’s a more “vulgar asshole” version (his words, not mine) of Derek Sivers’ rule of “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.”

When deciding whether to do something, if you feel anything less than “Wow! That would be amazing! Absolutely! Hell yeah!” —then say no. (Derek Sivers)

Why?

The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something (and it must be the same thing), otherwise you’re just wasting your time.

Another quote-worthy quote:

Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. (Mark Manson)

2. Be Present

Read this right before the next time you go out with people:

“Wherever you are, be completely there.”

—Thomas Oppong via. Personal Growth

No, actually. Not good enough. Do whatever it takes to sear the bloody sentiment into your soul. Read it over and over again. Bookmark it. Write it down. Tweet it. Drunk email it to your unsuspecting half-decent half-could-give-less-of-a-shit-about prof. Make it the background image of your damn phone. I don’t care.

You wanna know the reason you go out with people? To spend time WITH them. To be WITH them. To do that in this day in age of instant everything, and boundless entertainment is rare. Rare but deeply necessary. Because to give someone your finite time and undivided attention says, “You matter. Right now, only you matter.”

Other things and people can wait. Social media can wait. Your “followers” can wait. Your mom can—wait. Wait, no. I didn’t mean it like that. Answer your mom, kids. You get what I’m saying though.

3. Change Your Perspective

1/ On How Short Life Is

A few years ago, I was walking around in a blizzard in SoHo (New York). It was late, midnight, and it was beautiful.

Some friends, about 15 blocks away, called: "come over?"

It was late, it was cold, was tired, thought "maybe not worth it" but then…

— 6529 (@punk6529) March 26, 2022

This Twitter thread should be a required reading for every human being in existence. Do click through. It’s an easy (and engaging) read, and well worth the few calories it takes your brain to read and process words.

In short, Twitter user @punk6529 did some math on the shortness of life—with a focus on the particularities of human relationships—and was astonished by the results: “99% of the time I will ever spend with [my best friends], in the rest of my life, I have already done so.”

Gold right here:

Prior mental framework was “my boy is in town, maybe we can grab drinks if our schedules allow, if not, no problem, next time” New mental framework is: “tonight is one of your last 30 times you can see one of your best friends in your life”

On parents:

If you don’t live in the same city with your parents, the math is kind of similar for them too—you have spent the vast majority of time you will ever spend with your parents already.

You Don’t Have As Long With Your Parents As You Think:

You probably never thought about this, but around 90% of the time that you will have spent with your parents was done from the ages of 0–18. —Donn Felker

Watch/read this conversation between Jesse Itzler and Rich Roll.

Jesse: “How old are your parents?”

Rich: “76, 74.”

Jesse: “And where do they live?”

Rich: “Washington, D.C.”

Jesse: “And how often do you see them?”

Rich: “Like twice a year.”

Jesse: “Okay, so most people would be like, okay, you know, I have—Let’s say your parents live ‘til 80, so they have five more years, okay, let’s just say, roughly. You would say ‘I have five more years of my parents,’ but I would say no.”

Jesse: “You have ten more times with your parents if you see them twice a year. You see them twice a year times five. You have ten more times to see them.”

Jesse: “When you start thinking of things like that, your first reaction is, ‘I wanna go see my parents.’ At least that’s mine. So you change the way you approach it, and I’m like ‘I’m gonna go see my parents every other month, you know. I’m gonna make it a priority.”

Life is short. The time you have with others is even shorter.

4. Make Plans for Again, Always

May 4th, 2022: I was in the back of an Uber at around 12:00 am in the morning with my best friend. It was exciting because I’d never been out that late having fun. We played—I learned—billiards (a fun several games), and had just splurged on a midnight snack at a 24/7 bakery and café.

“Hey, thanks for coming out tonight,” I said. “I had fun.”

“Of course. I want to spend time with the people I care about now when I have the time and before life gets busy,” he assured. His words felt warm and cold at the same time.

Because as much as I didn’t want the night to end, it had to.

But only temporarily.

In the sense that, we can fucking see each again yo.

This ain’t the end. LOL.

Goodbye is only goodbye if that’s where you leave it.

“Let me know when you want to hang out again okay?”

I will. See you soon.

5. Ask Yourself This Question

I had this semi-voodoo thought in a shower once and it hasn’t escaped my mind since. I’ve started asking the question to myself every so often.

“Would I be okay if I died tomorrow and never saw my best friend again?”

If your response to hearing that is something to the effect of, “Woah dude. That’s some deep spiritual level shit.” You’d be right to think that.

I know. Highly, highly, improbable.

But still, a possibility.

I could die of, like— er, gonna be totally honest, I was gonna make some disease or novel never-experienced-before cause of death up, but… Can’t think of shit.

ANYWAY.

My answer: no, I would not be okay with that.

Logical solution: ask best friend out on a consistent basis to maintain social life (but mainly to drown out justified existential thoughts—cause guys, think about it. Doomsday could happen).

6. Express Interest

I met a girl in my second year at university three years ago. We sat next to each other at the back of the lecture room and didn’t say a word to each other, only exchanging numbers because we were in the same lab and she was going to miss a class.

She ended up dropping the course, four weeks in, for mental health reasons.

Later that year when I hit a bout of unrelenting depression, she was the only person I thought of reaching out to for help. She, I thought, would understand. And I was right. Long story short, I recovered. I saw a doctor. I went to counseling. I got the help I needed.

Christmas rolls by. New Years’ says hi. I text her an image of a handwritten letter, penned in cursive, basically saying thank you. Thank you for existing and being there for me when I needed someone.

Two years go by. I get a text. Asks me if I want to study together. Can’t—too far from campus, schedules clash. Semester ends. A thought brews: “Would I be okay if I died tomorrow having never met her?” No. We meet Friday, the day before she flies to Toronto. We get along. She is friendly. Epic night.

Tell people you’re interested in that you’re interested in them by asking them out—whether it’s love you’re seeking or a friendly companionship.

They won’t know you are unless you do.

And BTW, everyone you’re close to now was once a stranger. At one point or another in the past, you and that somebody else said “hi” for the first time. Remember that.

7. Take Risks

“You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.”

—Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon), We Bought a Zoo

Please don’t think of this next story as a perfect example of the above quote. It’s not. It’s pretty embarrassing, but quite funny looking back on it. I was trying to make friends at school. I had no friends, and I was taking a risk.

I met this girl in my first year at university four years ago. Thought she was nice. Wanted to be friends. Left room because I was done with my work. Reentered room, walked up to her, and asked for her “contact.” Yes, I literally said “contact.”

“Can I have your contact?” Hol-y. #cringe.

She said no. Obviously. Something about how her boyfriend wouldn’t “approve.”

That day I learned three things.

1. “Facebook friend” is probably better than “contact.”
2. Being unknowingly rejected is weird—as weird as it sounds.
3. Don’t take yourself so seriously. I asked for life advice and she said that.

Technically, I had “failed.”

Whatever.

You win some, you lose some.

Relationships happen because someone puts their ego on the line.